It has been a long time since I took time out of my day to ask myself, in a perfect world, what would my life look like? After probably complaining too long to a friend the other day, I was asked that question. If I had everything I ever wanted, described in detail, what would that be? Have you ever stopped to ask yourself this? In the middle of our day to day operations, and rushing from one thing, one thought to the next, how long has it been since you thought about what it is you actually want?
I had a random blast from the past come up last week and it put me back in the mindset of where I was over 10 years ago compared to where I am now. It was exciting, and fun, and sad, and just so many emotions that I never even knew I had inside of me. A very good friend of mine once told me how hard it was for people to leave his life. Not necessarily through death, but when old friends or girlfriends or boyfriends who you were once so close to, decide to never talk to you again kind of “leave.” The ones who choose to leave that you wouldn’t necessarily choose to leave if you had it your way. And no McDonalds’s, we can’t always have it our way, all of the time. Though that sounds fabulous to me.
It’s weird when an easy morning happens, and I’m like, oh shoot! What am I going to write about now? I’ve been craving this type of morning for so long, I should be ecstatic! But what about my followers? What will I tell them now? I have realized I am someone who never says when I’m going to write or what I’m going to write about. I typically just start writing when I’m passionate enough, or angry enough, to get my feelings out of my head and onto “paper.” Maybe this doesn’t make me a true writer, maybe this makes me a journalist who posts my “secrets” to the world! Well whatever I am, I hope taking a few minutes out of your day to read my deepest darkest secrets is entertaining enough to bring you a smile and a laugh, even when I’m not angry about something!
After a few rough mornings, an afternoon consisting of accidentally using an essential oil blend on my salad, (ps never make this mistake with tea tree oil) and some chilly weather, we finally had a good morning today!
So here I am, up at 6:30am and one hour to go before I have to be out the door. I am lucky enough that Bekytt wakes up happy and independent today. So I take this opportunity to hop in the shower as his papa sweeps him up to brush his teeth. No tears yet. I think it’s a win.
Why is it that as mothers we feed ourselves last? It doesn’t matter if I am at home all day or out at a restaurant. I always make sure my son is fed first. I know I know, “put your oxygen mask on before assisting others,” but it is just so much easier to make the kid happy as quickly as possible. I used to be ok with this because feeding him first meant a cranky child was a little less cranky once he was fed. And if I was quick enough to make my food after his, I could actually sit down to eat a few bites with him as well. Or when I am very lucky, Bekytt actually wants to eat the delicious breakfast his papa has made for all of us and we can all eat together. But today his list of what he wanted to eat was crazy, and he only had a few bites of each, so when I grabbed his leftovers to take with me to eat as I drove to work, I cringed in disgust.
For the first time since her passing, my dear friend Maddy visited me in my dreams last night. Dressed in ACUs and packing her car, I began to apologize to her for not somehow saving her life. And in true Maddy fashion, she told me it was ok. She said not to worry about her and it “wasn’t a big deal” that she had been killed. I know this may sound heavy, but I believe this is Maddy’s way of telling me she is in Heaven and that is a great place for her to be, so I should stop worrying. So, for you Maddy, I am sharing the eulogy I read at her funeral, because I believe the world needs to know who she was and how she made it a better place.
After 36 years of being in this world, I have come to the conclusion that I believe the meaning of life (spoiler alert) is relationships. For real. As humans, we have the ability to talk to other humans, decide if we like them or not, if we believe in their mission in life, and if we are going to spend our precious time in their presence or not. Either virtually or physically.
It is precisely 8:03 am as I sit in my car at my son’s school, glancing in the rear view mirror to see him sleeping peacefully. For a brief moment, I think so sweet. I mean look at that face! And now it’s 8:04. He suddenly awakens and cries. Much like our night has gone. I take a pause in writing and bring him into his school. He is not happy. I try to gently bring his attention to the kids and his teacher and then he begins to wail. The saddest eyes I’ve ever seen. So big and filled with tears. I hear the screams as I pretend to walk away confidently, signing “I love you,” but secretly feeling like I should go back and hold him.
Some days I wake up and it’s like, yes. I got this. Today is going to be a great day. I remind myself that my mind is in control of the way I see everything. I have the ability to see, interpret and react to anything however I wish. No one or thing is in control of me. It is all rainbows and butterflies for me...for about 30 seconds every morning. And then real life starts. Like turning on my phone and suddenly seeing a flood of over 6,000 emails. And no, I did not suddenly go viral in a good way.