Oh how I miss those days. You moms out there remember them, right? The mom parties? The parties that started as soon as your baby/toddler went to bed about 7 or 7:30pm and you knew you had at least 3 hours of interrupted time? I LOVED those predictable days. I would typically grab a glass of wine (or the bottle), a bag of chips, and put on Fixer Upper or This is Us, depending on if I wanted to laugh or cry. Anything to just be alone in my moment and get my emotions out, to no one but myself. In those days, my husband would either still be at work or working in his office so I knew it could be my party. I could watch anything I wanted, wear sweats, and just be me. Not a mom. Not a wife. Not a milk factory. But just the emotional mess I was...it was glorious. And then he “grew up.” Mom parties came to an abrupt end one day and I found myself saying, “those were the good ol’ days.” My how times change.
“Mommy, is the Coronavirus done yet?” These were the first words my son spoke upon waking today. This question is now so ingrained in him that before he asks to go anywhere or do anything, he asks if the Coronavirus is done. In a few ways, so smart on his part. It gives him a chance to decide if he will still ask if we can go somewhere, knowing the answer will be “no, but let’s add it to our list of places to go when the world is healthy again.” Or it gives him the opportunity to be creative and ask if he can do something that is in our home already. In another way, it breaks my heart that his little world has been turned upside down in a matter of weeks when he has only been alive a few years.
If I had to describe my Bliss it would go something like this...I would be a Mompreneur, working from home on projects I love: writing, photography, adding content to my podcast, creating at home movement programs to help parents who have kids with mobility challenges, meeting kids in nature, and helping kids of all abilities connect through experiences and empower them all to go confidently in the direction of their dreams. I would do this from home, while unschooling/world schooling/natural homeschooling my son in the most integrated way possible. I would find a rhythm in my home that included family movement (something like yoga), outside exploration time, adventure days, family meals, dance parties, and just living in harmony. I would find the best integration possible where we are all free to choose and collaborate how we make money, what we spend our money on and how and where we spend our time. I just never knew I’d have the opportunity/be forced to figure this out due to a pandemic and the government closing down schools, work, travel, and basically everything considered “non-essential” to life as we know it.
For the first time since her passing in November, my dear friend Maddy visited me in my dreams. She was dressed in ACUs and I was helping her pack her car. She looked beautiful as ever and I apologized to her for not doing something to save her life. In true Maddy fashion, she said, "don't worry about it." I could tell she even meant it and continued to let me know that she was doing ok. I think it was her way of telling me that she is in Heaven, and truly, she is ok. I want to live in that dream forever where she is still alive, but since I can't, I decided to post the eulogy I wrote for her. The world needs Maddy to live on forever, so if you have the time, take a moment to read about this wonderful, beautiful person, who continues to let me know she is ok, even in Heaven.
It has been a long time since I took time out of my day to ask myself, in a perfect world, what would my life look like? After probably complaining too long to a friend the other day, I was asked that question. If I had everything I ever wanted, described in detail, what would that be? Have you ever stopped to ask yourself this? In the middle of our day to day operations, and rushing from one thing, one thought to the next, how long has it been since you thought about what it is you actually want?
I had a random blast from the past come up last week and it put me back in the mindset of where I was over 10 years ago compared to where I am now. It was exciting, and fun, and sad, and just so many emotions that I never even knew I had inside of me. A very good friend of mine once told me how hard it was for people to leave his life. Not necessarily through death, but when old friends or girlfriends or boyfriends who you were once so close to, decide to never talk to you again kind of “leave.” The ones who choose to leave that you wouldn’t necessarily choose to leave if you had it your way. And no McDonalds’s, we can’t always have it our way, all of the time. Though that sounds fabulous to me.
It’s weird when an easy morning happens, and I’m like, oh shoot! What am I going to write about now? I’ve been craving this type of morning for so long, I should be ecstatic! But what about my followers? What will I tell them now? I have realized I am someone who never says when I’m going to write or what I’m going to write about. I typically just start writing when I’m passionate enough, or angry enough, to get my feelings out of my head and onto “paper.” Maybe this doesn’t make me a true writer, maybe this makes me a journalist who posts my “secrets” to the world! Well whatever I am, I hope taking a few minutes out of your day to read my deepest darkest secrets is entertaining enough to bring you a smile and a laugh, even when I’m not angry about something!
After a few rough mornings, an afternoon consisting of accidentally using an essential oil blend on my salad, (ps never make this mistake with tea tree oil) and some chilly weather, we finally had a good morning today!
So here I am, up at 6:30am and one hour to go before I have to be out the door. I am lucky enough that Bekytt wakes up happy and independent today. So I take this opportunity to hop in the shower as his papa sweeps him up to brush his teeth. No tears yet. I think it’s a win.
Why is it that as mothers we feed ourselves last? It doesn’t matter if I am at home all day or out at a restaurant. I always make sure my son is fed first. I know I know, “put your oxygen mask on before assisting others,” but it is just so much easier to make the kid happy as quickly as possible. I used to be ok with this because feeding him first meant a cranky child was a little less cranky once he was fed. And if I was quick enough to make my food after his, I could actually sit down to eat a few bites with him as well. Or when I am very lucky, Bekytt actually wants to eat the delicious breakfast his papa has made for all of us and we can all eat together. But today his list of what he wanted to eat was crazy, and he only had a few bites of each, so when I grabbed his leftovers to take with me to eat as I drove to work, I cringed in disgust.