It’s weird when an easy morning happens, and I’m like, oh shoot! What am I going to write about now? I’ve been craving this type of morning for so long, I should be ecstatic! But what about my followers? What will I tell them now? I have realized I am someone who never says when I’m going to write or what I’m going to write about. I typically just start writing when I’m passionate enough, or angry enough, to get my feelings out of my head and onto “paper.” Maybe this doesn’t make me a true writer, maybe this makes me a journalist who posts my “secrets” to the world! Well whatever I am, I hope taking a few minutes out of your day to read my deepest darkest secrets is entertaining enough to bring you a smile and a laugh, even when I’m not angry about something!
What is on my mind today is what in the world happens to our marriages, or any relationship, when we become parents?! I mean, am I the only one that feels awkward around my own husband once the kids are not around? My husband and I had been looking forward to this Saturday date for weeks. Yes! Finally a time to focus on just us. Let loose, have some fun and be adults for awhile while Bekytt is at grandma’s house. As the date drew closer, I text a friend that I was nervous. Like I was going on a first date or something. And she responds “just start with ‘so what’s new with you? Besides kids, work and being my husband?'” Amazing right?! But what the hell would he say?
It’s like when we get married, nothing else is going on but those 3 things. If I ask myself the same question I’d be like….uh, I don’t know. And then there we are, two married people having nothing to talk about because our life revolves around those three things. As the night went on I kept telling myself I would not talk about Bekytt, but I kept on doing it! It’s like he’s the center of my world right now and I love him! Forget the times I jump on my blog and vent about the craziness of it all. If you know me personally, you’ll know I love it all. It’s like days like today when things go smoothly I’m more lost than when they are crazy. I think I secretly thrive when things get crazy. And what is that about too? Why are we as humans driven to find out how to make everything difficult for us instead of just seeing how wonderful everything is?
As parents, all we want is for our kids to be happy. But we never talk about how to be genuinely happy when you have everything you want. You map out what happiness means to you and then you try and find out what it means to your child. Once you know, you set goals and start taking baby steps to reach those goals. And then if you’re lucky though, one day you actually get there. And instead of soaking it all in, smiling everyday and expressing your gratitude for it all, most of us start to ask “so what’s next? What do I want now?” Or if you’re like me it’s more of a subconscious notion of how can I screw this all up to avoid the fear of losing it all when it is not my choice to? Right? Have you ever thought you were doing everything to be happy and grateful and just look back at last night’s date gone wrong and think, what is my problem?
When I step out of my body and look down on myself having conversations with my husband, I’m like “what is wrong with me?” Yet I cannot stop the stupid words from coming out of my mouth. As if saying “I don’t like the way you read to Bekytt” is worth saying at all! He’s reading to our son. Every single night. And Bekytt loves it! So why in the world do I feel the need to share that I would read it differently. Putting the emphasis on different words in different places? It’s Green Eggs and Ham for gosh sakes! You can’t really read it wrong. Yet it still comes out of my mouth as if it’s going to be a constructive criticism and he’ll change the way he’s reading it...for me. What in the world Kathryn Kraft! But I can’t be the only one stuck in these ridiculous moments of verbal diarrhea.
So then I come full circle to are we all really afraid to live happily ever after? Or is it just that hard to? I think the younger we are the happier we are. As kids, we only live in the moment. We can’t see to the future and if our parents haven’t scarred us yet, we aren’t living in the past. Our young minds can’t create ‘what if’ scenarios and if the moment is good, we’re good! If the moment is bad, we’re bad. But then that moment passes and we move on. I think this is why I talk about my son so much. I think secretly, he is my idol.
I want to teach him so many wonderful things, to experience life to its fullest, but right now, he’s the one I want to be like when I grow up. He’s the one stopping to smell even the fake flowers. Running up and down driveways giggling the entire time. Saying “no thank you” when he does not want someone to do something. Not worrying about what to talk about because he’s happy just to be in your presence, even in silence. He chases birds yelling “hello” and waving over and over again believing one day he’ll catch one and have a conversation. He wants to try new things and he is not afraid of failure. He tells me with pride what he wants or doesn’t want and does not care what I think about it. If you ask me, toddlers have the secret to life and we should all take note.
So for my husband, I strive to do a better job at looking at the present moment and being grateful, ecstatic even, for such a wonderful morning (and life) with delicious pancakes and iced coffee. I’ll take the lessons taught by Bekytt and do my best to live them through as an adult. Minus the lack of prefrontal cortex and moments when I just start screaming for no comprehensible reason. After all, I probably do this more than him anyway!
-Kathryn Kraft, MPT
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